COLUMN: Don’t Mind the Mess – The amazing power of praise

The amazing power of praise
Every so often, I’ll come across a column by another writer that really makes me chuckle or nod in sympathy. It’s so great when someone’s words can reach me that way, almost like they’ve peered into my heart and know exactly what I’ve been through. I identify with them, wildly grateful that someone else in this confusing world knows how I feel.

And it would be so easy to call or email these writers and let them know I liked their stuff. But I seldom do. Too busy, I guess. Or maybe too afraid that my praise will be snubbed or unappreciated.

But I should know better. Whenever anyone contacts or approaches me with a pat on the back, I soak it up like butter on toast. Nothing makes my day brighter than a compliment.

And what amazes me isn’t so much that people remember to respond, but that they actually take the time to do it. For somebody to sit down and write a letter, stamp it, and mail it to a complete stranger, just to extend a few words of praise, expecting no response…well, that just blows me away.

I received a letter from a faithful reader in Saskatchewan not too long ago. This person commented on a column I wrote on the art of tipping, noting that even the smallest expressions of appreciation are so wonderful, and so very needed, especially in service industries where competence is simply assumed.

It got me thinking about the incredible power we humans wield in molding our world. A boss can raise the morale and productivity of an entire company by occasionally letting employees know they did a good job. A parent can change the direction of a child’s whole life by noticing the little things: a jacket hung on the hook, a toy put away, a moment where they chose to share instead of fight.

How about telling the pastor his sermon was great instead of complaining about it all the way home? Or writing to your local politicians and recognizing their efforts, instead of bashing them for every mistake? How about telling your spouse that you’re thankful for every day they’re still around, even if they don’t always see things your way? Or letting your family doctor know that his or her care is valued, instead of endlessly whining about the inadequacy of modern medicine? We avoid flattery like it’s a bad thing, but we have no problem with criticism.

We ration our compliments carefully, somehow thinking the recipients will get lazy or conceited if they hear too many nice things.

We get so many chances on any given day to just say, “thank-you”, or “way to go!” but we pass them up. Why? Because we assume people know how we feel. I guess somewhere along the line, we decided everyone was psychic and they didn’t need to hear a word of appreciation from us; they should just know.

The thing is, they don’t. Human beings are notoriously bad at reading each other. And if you’re insecure, which most of us are, a lack of response can often be misinterpreted as disapproval.

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” He wasn’t afraid to admit he had an ego that needed stroking from time to time. And there’s nothing wrong with patting yourself on the back, but it’s kind of like tickling your own feet: it’s a lot more effective when someone else does it.